Handling the Haters

When I was a kid, I thought being famous had to be the best job in the world: everyone taking your picture, clamoring for your autograph and hanging on your every word. Never a moment of insecurity or doubt about your self-worth or inherent awesomeness.

I remember my last night as a grade-schooler, unable to sleep as I pondered my upcoming first day on the big bad junior high campus. Instead of the same familiar pack of munchkins I’d been running with since kindergarten, I’d now be forced to meet an entire legion of new students.

And I was terrified.

In the midst of my angst, I actually had the thought, “I wish I could wake up famous tomorrow. Then everyone would already know and like me.”

I was absolutely convinced that if I were Brooke Shields (the gold standard of teen stardom at the time), I wouldn’t have to face the awkwardness of trying to fit in, saying something idiotic or just flat-out being disliked.

Thankfully, I outgrew the naïve notion that “recognition = adoration” long before the internet and social media took public scrutiny to a stratospheric level.

And while it’s tempting to complain about the TMZ-style world we live in today, there is a proverbial silver lining to the often-moronic tidal wave of reality show starlets, viral videos and vitriolic rants:

It’s proof that the gatekeepers are done for good.

And so is your excuse for remaining invisible.

You no longer have to genuflect in the presence of movie studios, radio stations or art galleries, begging them to anoint you as a legitimate artist.

But as the barriers that keep your work from being shared with the world dissolve, so do the walls that keep you shielded from criticism that ranges from the mildly disheartening (actual review for my first short film: “That’s 20 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.”) to aggressively hateful.

The fact is, if you’ve got something to offer the world, you’re going to have to deal with online trolls who are more than happy to announce that your novel was apparently written by an orangutan with a MacBook Pro and your abstract canvas looks like a sewage explosion.

And I’ve found the best way to handle the hate is to have empathy for those that dish it out.

No, I did not misspell “Twitter war.” I actually do mean empathy.

And here’s why.

These are people that have opted to spend their precious time and energy on a mission to seek and destroy. And their target isn’t something they despise, but rather something they desperately wish they had:

The courage to offer their gifts to the world, and to keep on doing it, whether the response is kudos or condemnation. 

Your book, film, blog or painting may not be their cup of tea. But the fact that they opt to attack – rather than simply ignore – your creation signals a human being burdened by regrets and hammered by creative Resistance.

Someone imprisoned by fear of failure, success, or both.

Simultaneously facing the dread of taking – or not taking – that first step toward a dream.

And in my book, living that way is suffering enough.

So, the next time snarky or scathing words are lobbed at you, consider the source.

Allow yourself a moment to be angry, annoyed or even amused.

Then let it go.

And give thanks.

Because you, too, could be hiding behind a screen name instead of making a name for yourself.

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  • Reply Richard Dahlgren October 25, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    Mary, you are such a good writer. Love to read your sentences. Then I say to myself, ‘damn I wish I could use semicolons, the hyphen, italics like M- Hughes and double thingys and single quote symbols’. So I get lost in your beautiful prose and must go back and reread to see what you said.

    Love you…DD.

    • Reply Mary DeRosa Hughes October 26, 2017 at 9:53 am

      Careful, Dick…you might give me an inflated ego…lol! But seriously, thank you for the sweet comments and for continuing to read my blog. Love you, too, my friend!

  • Reply Leah October 25, 2017 at 7:18 pm

    This is exactly the response I anticipated from you because you’re kind to yourself and it spills out to others. For every hater there are so many more lovers! That’s what I choose to believe but even if it isn’t true, that’s okay. I always look forward to how you express yourself through words. You have a such gift you give to the world! Grateful!

    • Reply Mary DeRosa Hughes October 26, 2017 at 9:41 am

      Thank you so much, Leah…and I agree, there are many more lovers than haters out there. And you, too, have some amazing gifts to share…I am still thinking of the Moon Goddess painting you showed me yesterday. 🙂 You are a treasure!

  • Reply Mai October 25, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    Mary, As usual your vision is “spot on”. I look forward to each article – thank you, thank you.

    • Reply Mary DeRosa Hughes October 26, 2017 at 9:49 am

      You’re more than welcome, Mai! Thank you so much for the kind words…xoxo

  • Reply Flossie Benton Rogers October 25, 2017 at 11:02 pm

    This brought tears to my eyes. I look for mirrors of my inner self during interactions with others. The idea of haters seeking to destroy because of a desperate need related to the book or artwork is profound and meaningful.

    • Reply Mary DeRosa Hughes October 26, 2017 at 9:46 am

      Wow…thank you, Flossie. 🙂 I am humbled that my post brought tears to your eyes. It really is a sad thing that some people are driven to tear down the creations of others because of their own discontent. I guess that’s why having empathy for them is the only thing that makes sense to me.

  • Reply Elaine F French October 30, 2017 at 3:59 am

    Hi Mary, like Mai I also look forward to your blog more than any others. You are so right, some say the best defense is attack, so if people are attacking you, they must feel the need to defend themselves against something, and it is most likely their own inner critic. I work with someone who spends every day trying to find fault with anything and everything and we feel sorry for her. It must be horrible to feel the need to be like that all the time. We all know someone like this, and I feel online critics are even sadder, they are wasting their own lives with their negativity not yours.

    • Reply Mary DeRosa Hughes October 30, 2017 at 10:17 am

      I’m so happy you’re enjoying my blog, Elaine! It really means a lot that you take the time to read it. 🙂 I have worked with many people like the woman you described, and you’re right…it’s got to be awful to feel compelled to find fault with everything. What a waste of time and creative energy.

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